Just as each couple’s Marriage Story is different, each Divorce Story is as well.
Did you choose to leave or maybe you were the one who was left? Are you happy that the marriage is over or devastated to lose your family and partner? How are the children and what measures have they had to make to adjust? How about the relationships with family and friends?
Regardless of the details, several common themes emerge when adjusting to life after divorce.
Your Children
One of the hardest parts of divorce is adjusting to the reality that your children now have two separate households in which they have to live. No matter how well parents get along and how consistent they try to keep routines between homes, your children now share a household with another person (or persons, if your ex begins dating or remarries). Everyone disciplines a little differently. Everyone’s rules and expectations are different. You will not have your kids with you all the time anymore, and you don't know what is going on when they aren’t with you.
You must let go. You must give up some control, or you will drive yourself insane with worry and guilt. Guilt and worry are emotions that won’t do you or your children any good in the long run. If you feel guilty, you may overcompensate by spoiling your kids or slacking on discipline. If you feel worried, you may inadvertently communicate that stress and instability to your kids. Please remember, this is your child’s mother or father. He or she loves your children as much as you do, and you want your child to feel safe and stable in his or her home. Differences are good. Your children are going to meet many different people throughout their life and adjust to many ways of doing things. Try to work together as much as possible.
Your Time
Time is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, there are times when you have more time to yourself than you’ve ever had before. Time to work on yourself, time to rediscover who you are as a person rather than a couple, time to figure out what your values are, time to pursue hobbies that interest you, time to decide what priorities you want to make in your life moving forward. On the other hand, there are some days when you have much less time for yourself. You are a single parent. There is no one to share in the responsibility of getting your children back and forth to games or practices. No one to help with homework. No one to help with meals. You may be spending much more time in the car, traveling back and forth between the communities in which the kids live, go to school, and participate in activities.
Embrace and enjoy the time you have to yourself and use it to get your sense of self back. Working with a counselor or therapist may be extremely helpful to keep you from falling into depression and loneliness, to help you grieve the loss of your marriage, and to put you on the path back to loving yourself. On the days you do have the kids, embrace the chaos.
Finances
Adjusting to a new financial reality is a definite consideration for the newly-divorced couple. Marriage usually means two incomes that support one household. Divorce can add another household to the mix. Your family now will probably reside in separate residences, so that same amount of income must maintain two house payments or rents, two sets of electric and gas bills, two cable bills, and much more. If you didn’t work, you might have to look for full-time employment after the divorce to adjust to the new reality of maintaining two households. Some couples even find that they still need to look for part time work just to make ends meet. There also are other new expenses that arise for divorced parents, such as needing assistance with chores like yardwork, housecleaning or child care. Not to mention, the cost of the divorce and paying for the attorneys and court fees.
Think about and protect your financial future. Create a budget for yourself, think of other ways to save on expenses, consider downsizing your home or car.
Friendships and Family Members
Friendships and relationships with people around you will change. As a couple, you shared many friends and relatives. As a single person, you may find that there are friends who took your spouse’s side in the divorce or that the in-laws are no longer comfortable with your companionship. You also no longer have a traditional family life, so your schedule may no longer match up with other parents on the street. Keep relationships with neighbors, friends and family members who will influence your children open and cordial. While time to work on yourself alone or with a counselor or therapist is extremely important, so is a strong support network of friends. A Divorce will make it quickly obvious who your true friends are and who were just there by association. Be grateful for those who are standing by you and cultivate those relationships by making time to get together, share a beer or a glass of wine over dinner, or chat on the phone. Build new relationships. Invite a co-worker to lunch. Call up old acquaintances you’ve lost touch with over the years and rekindle friendships. Join a gym or a running club. Volunteer at church or a new charity, begin a hobby or take a class. You may even want to consider joining a divorce support group.
Adjusting to life after divorce isn’t easy, but it isn’t the end of your story. There are chapters of your life still waiting to be written, and you are their best author
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