Maintaining open and respectful communication is often difficult, especially if you have struggled for years to communicate effectively during the marriage. During your divorce, communication is more important than ever, and is often the key to resolving critical issues and making sure your children’s needs are met.
Here are some tips to consider:
1. Use email as the primary form of communication and save text messages for emergencies only.
Remember their urgency is not your emergency!
2. Take a deep breath and reflect before responding. Draft a brief, clear and neutral response using a friendly tone. Do not hit send right away, walk away, return to the communication later, update your response as needed and SEND!
3. Stay child-oriented or issue focused.
4. Never use your children as messengers. You and your ex need to be the communicators.
5. Build in a deadline for your action if no response is received to your request rather than repeatedly re-communicating what you have already shared. Remember that communication is part of a negotiation with someone who is no longer your intimate partner and your influence is now likely severely limited.
6. NO lecturing EVER! You won’t win by being right. Spouses are rarely convinced of anything when lecturing is involved and when emotions are high being right creates animosity and triggers drama.
7. Do YOUR work to move past trauma triggers! Not everyone is going to play by the rules of being neutral and friendly, revisit steps 1-6 – did you follow the advice? If not, you may want to consider what is driving those triggers and how can you deal with them. Hiring a mediation coach or a therapist may be the way to go.
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